Little Miss Obsessive

Moving

2008-09-06T16:15:00.000-07:00

I'm blogginghere now..

See ya there!

Work Spouse

2008-07-16T19:29:00.001-07:00

Today marks my one year anniversary with my work spouse and the one year I have been at my job. A work spouse is a damn good thing to have, and mine is particularly fabulous. A work spouse is much like a gay best friend, just minus the gay part. I think every work marriage is different but mine goes a little like this:

He tells me I look beautiful and he is one of the few people that I feel like truly means it. He's also pretty much the only guy I hear it from these days but when I come in sleepy and cranky, it feels damn good.

He knows I can be crazy, cranky, bitchy, needy but he loves me anyway.

He listens to me vent about everything - the boy I made out with over the weekend, the fight I got into with my friend, the stupid order sitting on my desk that I don't know what to do about.

He gives me great advice. Whether he's helping me solve a work related problem or explaining to me the fact that "boys don't like to talk. Never say to a boy that you need to talk or they will avoid seeing you. Ask him to hang out, get him in person, then lay it on him." Such a smart boy, my Work Spouse.

On our first date, M told me that WS had warned him "if you hurt her, I'll kill you... I'm serious." I let M know that in fact, WS was being completely serious.

It's WS that is there when I need a dollar for a redbull.

WS is there to walk down to the cafeteria when I don't want to go by myself.

WS is there to sit next to at the team meetings, team dinners, and team events.

WS is there to have in depth conversations about our favorite show, LOST.

And today, he brought me a rose for the one year we've been at the company:

And of course, I fulfill my duties as a work spouse as well.

I listen to WS talk about his on again, off again g/f.

I notice when he loses weight/has been working out and I tell him.

I made a sign for his cube just to make him smile.

I come by his desk and rub his head when he looks completely stress out.

Now that I think about it, it just might be the healthiest relationship I've ever had with a man.

I Don't Want to Know the Lover at My Door, It's Just Another Heartache on my List

2008-07-14T18:16:00.000-07:00

I cried a little today. Okay, I'm a baby. But I'm mad and I'm sad and I'm throwing myself a pity party.

I don't even really like M... I liked the attention, I liked who I thought he was. But who he turned out to be, no I don't like. So, why do I care if he is still interested in me or not? I shouldn't but I do.

I went to work today knowing it would be weird/awkward/uncomfortable or all of the above. Well, he starts off the day asking "are you still mad at me?"

"I wouldn't say I'm mad at you, I wasn't really even mad on Friday, mad just isn't the word.. however, now isn't the time to talk about it."

If he really cared, he wouldn't have asked me that on Monday morning at work, through IM.

He ignored me most of the day and I did the same.

And it's not about HIM, it's about the fact that this ALWAYS happens to me. It makes me want to never give another guy a chance because it always ends up the same. And we were FRIENDS, I really did think he liked me at first because he knew me at least somewhat. But I was wrong, he didn't like me, he was looking for a rebound. I knew it and thats why I didn't really want to go out with him in the first place.

The worst part is that he is not worth my time, my thoughts, or my energy, yet here I am feeling shitty about myself. It just doesn't seem right.

Can someone pleaseeeee teach me to have some thicker skin when it comes to dating!?!?

And Another One Bites the Dust

2008-07-12T09:53:00.000-07:00

Ahh.. dating, I loathe you. So I have not written in almost two weeks and that's annoying because a lot has been going on, particularly with the guy from work, M. So I guess now I have to go back to how the first date went. It was fun and comfortable. He cooked dinner and we talked for an hour or two and the conversation was easy. Then we went to watch a movie and he made his move lol. So we kissed and I was unsure how I felt about it. Did I like him like that? Are we better just friends? He's not Kevin. Yea, so many annoying thoughts. But by the end of the night, I felt comfortable cuddling and kissing him and knew I would want to hang out with him again if he wanted to. Although, I still wasn't sure how I felt about him and the whole working together deal.

The next day at work, he was coming on very strong and it freaked me out a bit. I have a tendency to push guys away when they are too into me. I guess someone who is confusing just intrigues me more. Anyways, that week he continued to call me consistently and was pretty obvious about his feelings. He was thoughtful and would surprise me with little things at my desk, such as a bagel for breakfast. By the end of the week, my feelings had grown and I was quite into him as well. We hung out on Thursday night after work and then spent the 4th of July together (saw fireworks together hehe).

However, things were different this week. It all started on Monday, when he broke our plans for what may have been a legitimate reason, however, I did not believe him. The way he told me, the way he didn't call that night, and the feeling I had in my gut, I just couldn't believe him but of course I did not say anything to him about it. I felt like he was being wishy washy, like he was interested but I felt like he was being lazy, like maybe the two weeks before was more of an act just to get me to fall for him. I began to feel by his actions and his words that maybe all he was after was sex. And I was not about to get myself into that kind of situation.

Yesterday, after he asked if I would be interested in fooling around in his car, which may have just been a joke but I was sick of those jokes, I needed to say something. Oh, and we have not fooled around at all yet and I thought I had been pretty clear that I am not like a casual hookup kind of girl. Anyways, I just got so bothered by it and I couldn't keep it in anymore. I said, "I think maybe all you want from me is sex." The way he handled it was horrendous. He was immature, insensitive, and defensive. His initial response was "I don't have time for your ridiculousness."

"Well, I don't think its ridiculous and you didn't even say I was wrong!"

"Don't have time.."

"Fine."

"If you want we can just stop talking.."

"Well, is all you want sex?"

"NO, why are you being weird"

"I'm not trying to be weird. I'm just saying that I know that I don't want a fuck buddy and if that is what you want or what you are looking for then I don't want to get myself into that situation."

He really made no attempt to try to reassure me that he was interested in getting to know me. Yes, he said "NO" when I asked if sex is all he wants but shoudn't he have had more to say about it? He acted like I was wrong for talking about what was bothering me. He reminded me of the way Kevin treated me. I know I should have ended that convo with I think we are done but I didn't. I actually have no idea where we stand but I guess it doesn't matter.

I'm just very disappointed, really. Here was a guy who I thought was my FRIEND. Who pursued me persistently and acted like he was really interested in ME. I thought he seemed very different from Kevin. I thought he seemed like someone who could be caring and thoughtful. But I don't think who he really is, lived up to my expectations. And its not that I have strong feelings for him or anything, but I am upset because it's ANOTHER disappointment. It makes me feel like, WHY DID I EVEN GIVE YOU A CHANCE! Guys consistently disappoint me and then my first instinct is to blame myself.

I'm only 23, I do NOT want to be bitter/cynical already!

My Boys

2008-06-28T20:52:00.000-07:00

I was suppose to go out tonight but I got tired of waiting for my friends and decided I'd rather continue watching the My Boys marathon on TBS and stay in. Let me just say, I freakin love this show. Maybe I find it so fascinating because I don't really have that many guy friends. I've always just had more girlfriends. Actually, correction, I do have guy friends but they are almost all gay, or at least very in touch with their feminine side. I guess I'm quite the girly girl. I love my pop culture gossip, chick lit, chick flicks, manicures and shopping. Haha, see with a list like that I guess its obvious why I get along better with females and the gays. However, I also enjoy sporting events (however, I can't handle full out sports debate), mosh pits, playing tennis, working out... I mean, its not like I can't relate to guys at all. Its just usually if I find a guy I connect with it turns out to be romantic but anyways...

I have a date tomorrow with the guy from work, Meatball. Here's why I am so cautious of this situation. He dated a girl for 6 months, got engaged, they lived together for about 4 months and now they are done. And I mean it ended very recently, within the last month. This is red flag #1. Next, we work very closely together. It's not like we are in different departments, we interact on a daily basis. So, if the shit hits the fan (which with my track record is what will most likely happen) then it could make for a very awkward work situation. However, it is just one date and he just asked me so cutely. AND he wanted to cook me dinner. Oh, AND he makes me laugh... so I felt like I had to at least go and see what happens. I'm nervous.. but also excited.

Workin It at Work

2008-06-26T19:00:00.000-07:00

I think I may have found a new addiction- working out. Seriously, I feel like I'm on a high when I get back from the gym. I mean, I always remembered Elle saying in Legally Blonde, "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't. " Well, Elle, you are a very wise girl. I took my first kickboxing class tonight. It was fun and a great workout. It took me a few minutes for my coordination to kick in but I got the hang of it and I'll be going again.

Speaking of working out, me and B came up with a fabulous idea at work today. We are going to come up with a whole workout that can be done while we are bored sitting in our cubes (yes, this is how we spend our days). Actually, we spent more time laughing about how we were going to make a DVD called "Workin it at Work" and record an infomercial. And how we would have them reconstruct our cube. Well, we don't quite know all the exercises that will be included but of course abs, butt, arms, legs, and we figured we should throw in the kegal exercises too. ;)

Other than that, PP did NOT text me again, thankfully. He must have come to his senses.

In other boy news, there is some flirtation going on with a guy at work.. however, the situation is quite complicated. I will save the explanation for another night.

Oh wait, one more random thought of the day. Are there any So You Think You Can Dance Fans out there?? I have to say, I LOVED Chelsie and Mark's "Bleeding Love" dance. I love when I can feel the emotion pouring out of dancers bodies. Check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovjAuBuepVA

And if you want, check out my favorite dance from last season here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEguAROS4tw

Let me know if your a fellow fan of the show!

Some Big Cahones

2008-06-25T18:29:00.000-07:00

I dated this guy brieftly a couple years ago... let's call him Peter Pan (cuz he surely isn't growing up anytime soon) Okay now, PP ended up pursuing me only to realize that he was in love with one of my friends. Nice, right? Just another little snippet of why I am so cynical at the ripe age of 23. Anyways, we were friends for awhile and then eventually just grew apart. I've talked to him maybe a handful of times in the last two years. So imagine my surprise when I get a text from him at 12:30am on Sunday night:

"What are you doing?" such a casual message, as if we talk all the time..

"um, hi stranger.. just in bed you?"

"Bored.. how you been?"

We catch up for a few minutes and then he drops this on me..

"So, how about you send me a pic." somehow I don't think he's talking about my face..

"Uh.. how about I don't.. are you crazy?" no really, he must be crazy

"Come on.. it would be fun.."

"Ha, fun for who? Don't you have some pics of your g/f you can look at?"

"No... so come on, just do it." Liar

"Seriously, you MUST be smoking crack if you think I would do that"

"Why not?"

"Those kind of pics are reserved for boyfriends, so unfortunately, you do not qualify.. better luck next time."

"Whatever."

"Seriously, don't you know some stupid girls who would actually do that for you?"

"Yes, and they already did but I deleted them."

"Classy."

"What's the problem, it's nothing I haven't seen before." ha please don't remind me, done responding now.

This kid could never be a lawyer, huh? The best part.. he tried again the next two nights. PP's got some big cahones if you ask me. To make such a request when we don't even talk anymore, we are not really friends anymore, he has a G/F... and the list goes on.

My Obsession with a Sex Addict

2008-06-23T19:03:00.000-07:00

I have so much going on in my head today, I don't even know where to start.

I read an entired blog (Hi, My Name is Steve and I'm a Sex Addict) in a weekend. It was like a good book I couldn't put down. I was completely hooked on his life. At times, I even forgot it was real. When he started the blog he was 33, having a relationship with a 17 yr old and fucking just about every hot girl he came in contact with. If you cut to today, about 4 years later, he is happily married. I was so mesmerized by his writing, his life, his decisions. His blog really made me think about things- love, relationships, dating, men, life.

It made me realize how much I love reading blogs of annonymous writers. The honesty in their posts, from the details of their sex lives to their inner most thoughts. It's voyerism, I feel like I'm spying on their life. I get to know the details that you normally don't hear about. I love it.

But today, after reading his blog and with all the information that I found out from being in this man's head, I feel confused and sad today. I know it sounds so odd that his blog made me sad and I've spent all day trying to figure out what it was that is bothering me. I'm still not sure. Maybe its the fact that he fucked around so much.. he broke so many hearts.. and yes he got his broken a time or two but he ended up happily ever after. It makes me look at the men in my past and how many bruises to the heart they've given me. Then I get to see them go off and end up HAPPY. And here I am, bruised, scared to open up but scared to be alone, with no happy ending in sight. It feels unfair. I don't mean to say that Steve doesn't DESERVE a happy ending. It just seems so easy for him to fuck around, not get hurt, and then end up happy with mild bruising along the way.

One of the things I thought about most was his more serious relationships and when he fell in love; I began wondering if I will ever find that. I wondered if any guy will ever look at me and think I'm the most beautiful girl they've ever see. I wonder if some guy will be able to think they could spend forever with me. I wonder if a guy would actually want to be a better person because of... me.

I found it so interesting how he handled his breakups. He's a typical man in that he doesn't dwell on a breakup. He was in love with Lila- his 17 yr old. He cut her out and was onto the next within a WEEK. He never really even dealt with it. She, on the other hand, was devastated. She didn't understand how he could move on so fast... and he tells her "he's a guy... it's what guys do."

Me- I'm the typical girl. I need to learn from what I've been through. I need to learn lessons to heal the pain. I can't even get into all the things I learned from being with K... I should start a running list.

I know this is just a ton of rambling and jumbled thoughts but thats how it feels in my head. One minute I'm thinking one thing and then the next minute I've completely changed gears. Hopefully I will start writing more often and maybe the thoughts will get clearer.

Sunday Blues

2008-06-08T15:27:00.000-07:00

My heart aches a little today. I was involved with a guy for about a year and it ended for good two months ago. In the last two weeks I've felt that I'm truly moving on and actually feel HAPPY again. See, he was no good for me. He did not treat me the way I deserved to be treated. However, last night I got drunk and I decided to confess to him that no matter how much I move on I still keep thinking about how I want to have sex with him. Just talking to him today threw me for a loop.

The thing that makes my heart ache is how he cares so little about me and i care so much about him. Even though I know he's wrong for me, I lost my virginity to him and that gives him a special place in my heart. Sometimes I wish I could just hate him... but I can't.

I'm sick of letting him have this hold on me. I don't have that hold on him and it just tears me up. Why was I not enough? Why doesn't he miss me? How could he just stop caring about me? Did he ever really care about me?

When I let it get me down, these are the questions I ask myself. This is why I can't talk to him or see him. Because this is how I feel afterwards. I deleted his number completely from my phone today. I need to not see him, not talk to him, and I wish so badly that I could just stop thinking about him.

I'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day. I can't torture myself like this anymore, I just need to move on. It's hard because we have mutual friends so I know I will have to see him but I want to be done with him. I want to stop asking why I wasn't enough. I want to not care if he's seeing other girls. I just want to be happy and not think about him.

I would have done anything for him. I put my whole heart on the line, i trusted him when he said he'd be around and he took my heart and he stomped on it, a number of times. Why do I still care? He doesn't deserve me to ever speak to him again. Like I said.. i really wish I could hate him...

Oh Let's Go Back to the Start...

2008-06-03T21:10:00.000-07:00

I remember... how it all started with innocent flirting on our college graduation trip to Mexico. High school flirting like dunking me in the pool and realizing how ticklish I am. I still remember the first night we were there, we ended up sharing the pull out sofa together and we stayed up laughing at everything and nothing. I was amazed at how easily I could be myself around you. You even walked outside to the bar to get me a cup of water at 2 in the morning just because I was thirsty.

I remember... how fickle I was about you at first. When you gave me too much attention it was too easy and I was bored but when I had to fight for your attention it annoyed me. But everything about the way you acted was intriguing and kept me on my toes and I secretly loved it all.

I remember... our first kiss. We were sitting at the table with another friend who in his drunkeness decided to call us out on the sexual tension between us. It had been four days of flirting and he was right. He walked away and I still remember right before we kissed my stomach started doing little flips in anticipation. And when we did kiss, it was amazing; more amazing then i could have ever imagined.

I remember... how we couldn't stop kissing after that. We ended up on one of the pool lounge chairs, making out like teenagers while the hotel employees were trying to clean up for the night but we were lost in our own world.

I remember... how we argued even back then. You have a tendency of saying the wrongs things and I have a tendency of being too emotional. Even our first week knowing each other we would fight, the way couples do. No, thats probably not normal, but nothing about us ever was.

I remember... how I convinced myself that you were completely wrong for me and I had no interest in dating you once we got home. But when you failed to ask me for my number when we said goodbye, you managed to spark my interest.

I remember... how one year ago, it all started with a hello and a smile as you sat in the back of the SUV on the way to the airport. I never could have planned how much impact you would have on my life and emotions over the next year.. and to think it all started with innocent flirting on our college graduation trip to Mexico...

Beautiful

2008-06-02T21:06:00.000-07:00

After a recent heart break.. and frankly, too many heart breaks in the past. I devote this song to my new blog and also a new beginning in my life. Raising my standards and realizing that I deserve to find someone who will love me just as I am and that anyone who makes me think any differently does not deserve my time.

Here's to all the single girls out there who each deserve a man who will tell them who they are is quite enough. :)

BETHANY DILLON LYRICS
"Beautiful"

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me
Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart, and be amazed
I want to hear you say Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

[Chorus]

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful